I was browsing through a few blogs that I found via the twitter feed @BDSMblogs, when I stumbled across a blogger that is according to Between My Sheets, the number 1 sex blogger of 2012. Of course, I had to check this out. I was met with a wonderful blog full of great posts but it was the most recent post that caught my eye. I think it’s probably because it struck all the right notes for me and where I am currently at in life.
The blog is Molly’s Daily Kiss and the post is Question Time. In the post, Molly, the author is asking for us to contribute to an upcoming event presentation she is giving regarding the myths that often surround submissive women. The post asks us to answer 5 questions.
Because I’m in a place where I’m feeling like my submission is not being accepted or even wanted yet I still feel submissive and because I have a desire to do anything that I can for him I thought perhaps answering these questions might be a good form of introspection for myself as I figure out exactly what is going on.
So, here are the questions
Question 1: What are 5 myths/beliefs you would like to dispel about submissive women?
First, I would like to dispel the myth that if we live with our Dominant counterpart all we do is cook/clean/and give him blow jobs. This is NOT what happens. Yes, I clean and sometimes cook (we tend to eat out) and yes, sex and blow jobs are definitely a part of our life but we have an actual relationship. I’m not his servant. We have conversations, we have movie nights, we cuddle, we travel together.
Second, I would like to dispel the myth that I’m somehow trapped in this relationship and because I’m submissive I can’t leave. Yes, I know that many of us consider our collars a permanent thing and it’s not something I would ever take off lightly however, I am not trapped here. I WANT to be here. I want to be his. However, if for whatever reason that changes, I will not in anyway be trapped and feel as though I can’t leave.
The third myth I would like to dispel is the idea that all submissive women are needy and codependent and simply can’t function without a Dom in their lives. This is not the case. I am a strong and quite independent woman. I lived alone for nearly 10 years before I found my current partner. I have a successful job, I’m confident and I know that I can stand alone and survive if I have to. Instead of being codependent we compliment each other. We work well together as a team.
Fourth, I would like to dispel the idea that because I am submissive I must adopt the views and opinions of my Dominant counterpart. For us, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. He HATES country music (he’ll tell you he doesn’t but believe me he does) but I absolutely adore it. It’s in my blood. Now because I’m submissive and he hates it doesn’t mean I can never listen to it or that I have to somehow start hating country music. Sometimes when he pisses me off I play a country song and it usually makes him roll his eyes and laugh and then I’m not mad anymore. Sometimes the lyrics of a song just make sense for a situation we are in so I send him the YouTube video. He’s like what the fuck is this shit and I just tell him to listen to the words. Now, music tastes is clearly a trivial thing but my point is that I don’t have to adopt all his likes and dislikes. I will tell you that I try not to play country music in the house all the time because I do take his likes and dislikes into consideration. Another area we disagree on (and boy do we disagree) is politics. I think that we actually agree on a lot of the big picture ideas of what things should look like but we strongly disagree on the path to get to that big picture. I won’t name names here because I don’t want this to be a political blog but there is a specific politician that he abhors. This politician happens to be one of my favorites. If this politician were to run for some kind of office again he may jokingly tell me I can’t vote for him but I know that I would be free to vote for whichever candidate I liked best.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to make that myth a novel. On to the last one!
The final myth I want to dispel is the one I think we all want to dispel and that is the idea that D/s relationships are abusive and all submissive women are abused. I won’t go into massive detail here because like I said I think it’s one we all want to dispel. It’s not that no D/s relationship has ever been abusive. I know that assholes exist. But the real D/s relationships that work are kind, loving, fun, exciting, and they build both people involved up.
Question 2: As a submissive woman, use up to 5 words to describe your submission.
This is where the introspection starts for me. Actually describing and defining my submission is not something I’ve ever actually done.
I think the first word I would use is quiet. It’s something a former partner once complimented me on. We didn’t have a lot of rules, and he rarely gave me orders but I was very submissive and he liked that I could take a simple question and figure out exactly what he wanted. If he did tell me to do something I didn’t ask a lot of questions about how or when or anything I just took it upon myself to figure out how to do it and I did it.
The second word would would have to be accommodating. I tend to go out of my way to make sure my partner has all the things he likes/needs even if I may not like those things. A simple example is that in our house there is always Pepsi, Pringles, and Blue Bell Vanilla Ice Cream. He hasn’t asked me for these things but I know he likes them so I always keep them on hand.
The third word is loving. I think this is pretty self explanatory. Everything I do is done out of love and devotion.
Fourth, I hesitate to use this word because I don’t think it’s an exact fit but it’s the closest I could come up with and that would be fierce. Despite the fact that I am quiet, and quite accommodating, if I feel like there is something in his life that is making things hard on him I will fight to make that go away. If I see something that could jeopardize our relationship I become strongly opinionated about that and I make it clear that I want that to go away. I’m stubborn about keeping us together even wen things seem bad and from the outside looking in it makes absolutely no sense why we are still together.
I’m having trouble coming up with a fifth word so I’ll just leave this one at four.
Question 3: In erotic fiction what are the most common “wrongs” you come across that don’t work for you as a submissive woman?
This is a very interesting question. I think the biggest thing that bothers me is the idea that all Doms are rich powerful men and they can put their sights on any woman walking down the street and make them their submissive.
Along the same line of thought, it bothers me that many works of fiction make the submissive woman out as someone who needs to be broken and made to submit. Now, I understand that can be a really hot fantasy and yes, I have a desire to be “broken” but it’s all in the realm of a scene it’s not something I walk around believing or actually needing nor does my Dom think it’s his place to break me.
It also bothers me when a relationship is formed so quickly (like over the course of 2 days). These things take time.
Finally, it bothers me that in a lot of erotic fiction the submissive woman is scared and terrified of the Dominant character at first and he somehow magically makes that fear disappear.
Questions 4 & 5: If you could ask a submissive woman any question what would it be? / If you could ask ME (Molly) any question what would it be?
I’m mixing these two because my answer is the same.
Because of my current situation, I would ask this: How do you bring out dominance in your partner? If this person is a Dom and you know that he has that in him because you’ve seen snippets of it come out in the past and he has even gone as far as giving you a collar but is not being in any way “Domly”… How do you bring that out in him? How would you go about remaining submissive and conveying to him your need for his Dominance?
Thank you Molly for the thought provoking questions! I hope that my contribution is helpful!